go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
