You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
