My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
