I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
