my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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