I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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