I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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