There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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