I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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