OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just puked most of my soul out..
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