Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
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I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
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When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
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