at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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