my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
