So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
