Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
