I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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