Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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