if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
