I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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