I hate your face
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
