I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
