i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
