I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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