Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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