He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
