theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
