I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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