im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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