i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
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The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
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Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.