i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.