im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
