wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
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I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
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Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night