Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
