I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
