When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't deserve a penis
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
