you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Randomize
