but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
