Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
