When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
