I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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