Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
