cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's never too late to be topless.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
