toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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