dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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