Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
