and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
