Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
