Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
