youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
