I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
