i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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