i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
