Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
