She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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