just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
