My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
