She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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