I heard we made out
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She told me I should be a condom model.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
