had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
