my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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