Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
