I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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