im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
